Read all the posts you missed because there is some good shit here bitches!!!

I'm not sure that the general public has the right appreciation of alcoholism. Many people refer to this condition as a disease, but I am hard pressed to think of it as such. First of all, there are many advantages to this condition. (I refuse to refer to it in the negative).

For example:

Every day is a new day. Every experience is new, as well as all the things you buy at the store. So you bought a head of lettuce yesterday and forgot, only to buy another one today. Who cares!! Lettuce has a lot of practical uses.

So you don't even REMEMBER going to the store yesterday, so much the better. It makes every experience a new experience. No one ever gets bored.

So you put your beer in the freezer to cool it down, went to sleep and forgot about it. Not a big deal, just make a beer icee. People are so damn picky!!

Remember that time when you went for a walk and forgot where you lived? when the cops delivered you to your house, it was like coming home for the first time. So novel! I love new beginnings.

hey..where did that kid come from?

On another topic, poverty can be so much fun. Words can not describe the fun poverty produces. If you have never been in poverty, not only are you missing out but I pity you. Because YOU have not had occasion to live life at its fullest. You heathen money grubbers!! Keepers of 3 cases of toilet tissue!! Scoundrels who own more than one shoe!!! BE ASHAMED!!! Be afraid. Because in time, you too will know the pleasures of being down and out. Don't thin you can run away from it by working 24/7 or extorting money from your business partners. you can run but you can't hide. Poverty is for everyone. Not just the poor. It fits the bill, it makes life real, and it is the thing that makes you feel.


But I warn you now...feeling is not for everyone. Some people prefer to just feel with their hands. To these people I say this: I rue the day you feel your partners face and realize they have a tumor that takes up 80% of their face. I rue the day you realize your partners nose actually looks like the trunk of the circus elephant. Because my friends, no amount of money can make that go away.

For those who feel with their emotions, I commend you. I exalt you and hold you up on a pedastal. God forbid you strap yourself down with someone who tells you how to feel, what you can and can't feel and how to rephrase how you word your feelings.

Let there be light.

And there was.

Except it blinded me.

I have to wear shades.

Back to alcoholism.

It resolves the pain, it displays the shame. It makes things that are bleak seem unbearable. It causes so much distraction by it's very existence? That you forget whatever it was that caused you to drink in the first place. Alcoholics anonymous? BLIMEY. My name is Doozie. I like to take a nip off the bottle now and then. If you have a problem with that grab my hand and together we will say the sinners prayer.

"God grant me the ability to withhold myself from banging -each and every one of these pontificating asshats over the head with my shovel, who think they are cured, and or on the way to being cured from the one disease that allows so much happiness. Happiness can't be measured. So your mom gets the shit kicked out her by your drunk dad. So your uncle ties you up and uses you for target practice. Stop your bitching. You could live in Iraq. And what goes on over there is any ones guess.


Amen

It's time for a colon cleanse

Not too far in the distant past, our wonderful fire station parked this monstrosity in their "area" which happens to be directly below our deck. While I can appreciate it's majestic beauty on a couple of levels, what I can not appreciate is when they lit the sonofabitch on fire, and caused Walter and me to have asthmatic convulsions. I took a picture at the onset of the incident, and believe me...with the breeze etc, before too long our entire block was smoked out.




No amount of window closures could help. I smelled like I had been camping...only without all that work.

Once again I got a little crabby and made a couple of non-friendly phone calls. As of this morning, the item has been relocated.

~~~~~

In other news, Walter and I have decided to opt for a simpler life. With this simple life, we will be refining our character, and focusing less on material goods. I have chosen our new home. At first Walter had complaints, such as "there is a big hole in the side" but after I pointed out the aesthetics of the open floor plan he came around. Besides, free is a very good price.



The Mazda has been giving us trouble. It is interfering in my new business venture which is commonly referred to as THE WELFARE. I don't suppose the people at the welfare office are going to be too excited about my car. So therefore based on this well known fact, we have decided to go a different route. We didn't want something nondescript, but we did want something practical and attractive. I think this van we located fits the bill in so many ways it's overwhelming.


If you enlarge the picture you can see the real attraction...I mean what is ON all those CD's? What a bargain. Entertainment upon a ride.

and finally?

I'm stealing this guy away from his girl...he has many of the fine qualities I've dreamed of

I am forced to speak in the 3rd person, please don't hate on me

I'm in charge of BBQ'ing some steak. That is, I'm supposed to be present in front of the device thingy they refer to as a BBQ. What goes on within the coffin type confines of that particular item is up to fate. All I can say is that people have put specific rules on the Doozie, she is not allowed to leave the vicinity, and she is to have a squirt bottle of water in her hand at all times. She has also been made to sign a waiver that says should she burn something up or down, that she will spend the rest of her life making amends.


Doozie is speaking in the 3rd person at this time, please follow along.

Doozie got a bill in the mail today that informed her she was late on ONE of her credit card payments. (Doozie has a number of these bills). She was 8 days early according to her online banking records. Thus, she called the number and WARNED the male that answered (amazingly he spoke English) that he most likely didn't want to talk to her but he paid no heed. Apparently the minimum payment was raised by 4 dollars a month, which Doozie didn't know because she conscientiously pays her bills through her online banking system in order to NOT be late. In other words the effing payment was not late, it was short 4 dollars......let freedom ring...but without all that noise.

When Gomer came back on the line to tell her of the case, and it had raised her minimum payment to almost triple, Doozie lost it, and don't say she didn't warn Him. She told Him that while she realized he was only the messenger boy, that he was to relay to his Superior's they could take the balance of the card and shove it up their ass, and that was ALL they would ever get from her. (this in fact is for ONCE, not an exaggeration, the Doozie has had enough).

The Doozie hung up on the poor English Speaking man

The Doozie had a breakdown.

She called her bestest confidant.

She threatened to end it all.

The confidant talked her down off the ledge.

Then the Doozie went to the mini mart to get a 6 pack of Kokanee to make it all better.

The clerk asked if she wanted it in a bag. Doozie started to laugh, she got the giggles. OF COURSE she wants it in a bag. Since nary ANYONE comes out of a convenience store with a brown bag, Let Doozie go ahead and advertise that she has a six pack of beer in her brown bag, and everyone will be able to identify her as a LUSH. He laughed, Doozie laughed, everyone else in line laughed, and she took off with her brown bag, but not before informing him that she was OFF on a covert mission with her brown bag of booze.............DUH

At least Doozie made people laugh. If not in pity of her......

Doozie is now home, and once again getting blamed for EVERYTHING. Walter has accusations......"hey mom what are you doing online, you are hogging the bandwidth and making me lag on Xbox LIVE!!"....Doozie: "um Walter? I'm out on the deck reading a book as in a book that is a real book.....I'm not even close to the computer but if you want to think so, I hope it makes you feel better?"

And then...."MOM, I just got kicked off XBox Live, what ARE YOU DOING ONLINE", and to which Doozie says "Walter dear, I am currently standing vigil at the BBQ Docking station, and I'm not sure what you are asking but of COURSE it's my fault, when is it not? Huh? I wanna know.

The ice maker repair man was here today. He was not only here but he was everywhere. He took up at least 3 city blocks with his belly alone. Never mind the horrible distraction of his gaping shirt......Why....why is it the ice maker repair man feels it is appropriate to speak with Doozie when she obviously has neon green headphones in her ears? The ones that are hooked to her computer? The ones that she is using to watch/listen to her Boston Legal Episode? No..............She is faking it!!!! She's a POSER. Please....ice maker repair man that is one month past due for his baby..........please...talk to her!!!! She loves taking the earpiece out of her ear in order to listen to your mundane prattle about how you can't reach more than one of your log sized fat arms into the freezer, and how it takes so much longer to do this chore because the "freezer is too small" when in all reality your arm is to motherfucking BIG"". All those opposed to cussing? I had a bad day, read it, or leave.

OH LORDY, the ice maker repair man has installed a new water filter in the fridge....he is running water through it and low and behold!! There are air bubbles and the water is spewing EVERYWHERE. Doozie throws a towel toward the large man who is due any day, to which he does nothing.

He finishes his debauchery and he takes his leave. In other words, he leaves all his trash including the water/flood beneath the fridge and his muddy footprints that were a result of the flood. He left refuse....Like the old/defunct ice maker...On Doozies counter. Doozie takes it and she fashions it into a rusty bomb, and she puts it on the end of her shovel, launches it towards the fire station and then basks in the beauty that is the fireworks...but only not on the 4th of July!

Walter continues to play his Xbox, which is apparent that his mother has allowed him to be taken over by the devil and all of his minions that reside within the console of the Xbox. The mother...Doozie is apparently unfit to parent. She probably should be eradicated, ....or would it be considered a mercy killing?

You know what?

I'm downright sick and tired of blogging

My Mazdarati Goes 185

Actually it only goes 145 but I chickened out at 125, maybe next time?


Also, I didn't sleep much at all last night due to sweatiness and discomfort in the right lower quadrant of my torso. Whenever I get too stressed, it manifests as cold sores, UTI's, ovarian eruptions, brain tumors, explosive defecation, arthritis, spondilitis, chondritis, moronitis and the occasional need for one or more amputations. This is not good, I may need to be medicated.


Betty Ford called today, she wants me to know how proud she is of me for representing her program so well.
In other words I made it through a weekend without causing any major disturbances. That tends to happen when you don't leave the house. Which I don't. You need to be within walking distance, and or own gasoline in your car before you can get very far. Fortunately there are no nightclubs nearby the apartment.

Next time I may take a little cooler across the street and sit in the waiting room at the tire store snacking on free popcorn and sipping a cold adult beverage while I enjoy the view. In fact I may even set up camp over there under the awning. I have a tent and a campstove, perhaps I could roast some wienies and marshmallows for the boys over my little fire pit?

I have such wonderful idea's...DANG IT, how DO I DO IT

Carry on my wayward person

I'm just in a foul mood...Jaw no?

I can't believe it's been 3 months and I still haven't managed to find a job. I haven't been hitting the pavement everyday, but again I have applied for so many things I've lost track. The most recent interview was for an Assembler position at SEL.

Nothing is so humiliating as having to go in and do testing for a job of this nature, to put it bluntly, sitting on a stool for 10 hours a day putting little tiny components on computer boards.

So the interviewers ask me how I liked the tests. Huh? Well, I said "they were fun!" with marked enthusiasm. But then they asked me which was my favorite? Oh lordy, why!!! WHO CARES. I told them "the one I did best on". So they want to know if I have experience sitting for long periods of time doing repetitive work.

Of course I do, it's called sitting in my chair picking at my head for hours on end while I stare into space! "And how long can you see yourself doing this?" they ask. What is the right answer to a question of that nature? What idiot in their right mind would want to do it any longer than it took to get the hell off the manufacturing floor and up into an office job?

I just found it patronizing and humiliating to have to act enthused over something that is clearly not challenging enough for me. Although I would take the job if they offered because I'm desperate, and because I would get a sweet ID badge and have access to secret places like: The lunchroom, and The lounge, and The main lobby, and The main Hallway, and The Alien telecommunication chambers, and The room with metal doors that swing inward and enable you to lose a few pounds in one fell swoop. Hey, was that a barking spider that went by just now?

I feel like an aimless drifter...only one with cool sunglasses and no cardboard sign. If I did have a cardboard sign it would say: Will clonk you on the head with a shovel unless you give me 200 dollars! I think drifters should try that tactic instead of the lame "will work for food" or "homeless, lost my job, lost my teeth, lost my crack pipe, lost control and wet myself, and if you don't help me I'll have to sit here in my dirty pee pants all day".

I was thinking about selling the fridge out of our apartment and telling the manager it was stolen? We could use coolers and such until the new one came in.

My friend Rick got me a signed copy of David Sedaris' latest book called: The flames of hell are licking at my heels When You are Engulfed in Flames. David wrote inside "To Susie, I'm so angry I missed you, I so enjoy poor people". I asked Rick how he knew I was poor, and Rick said "I have no idea, at least it didn't say "I really like black people" like he wrote in mine". (Ricks whitish in color)

If I was the author, I would write this: "When you are engulfed in flames, make sure you don't look in a mirror because that might really freak you out".

I also do really weird shit when I'm depressed and in a bad mood. Such as buy grab bags at Hallmark, $1.99 each or 3 for $5.00. Do they have anything useful in them? Well if you consider a butt ugly paper weight useful? I spose I could use it to throw at people and put large dents in their skulls, that might be fun. I did score on a Barry Manilow Christmas cd, talk about a thrill!! Is he dead?

In fact, I think I'm going to head over to Hallmark right now and grab 3 more bags. Maybe I'll hit the motherload this time? Pretty pathetic when all you have to do is buy grab bags and wait with baited breath for the Dollar Stores One Day only SAle, EVERYTHING IS 99 CENTS.

ps...no job hunting advice in the comments please unless you want to have your nosehairs pulled out one at a time.

The Buffoonery Continues

Well, myself and Walter had a fascinating 4th of July, whoulda thunk it!!!! And there weren't even any fireworks to watch off our deck! We went ahead and created our own brand of excitement, doozie style.

We hung out doing nothing until about 11pm, when a friend arrived from Boise on a spontaneous whim trip! It was great fun. I did in fact get soused, and when Rick got there, he proceeded to drink a bottle of wine and get soused. We laughed and cut up well into the early hours of the morning...no wait. Was that all? No...it was not.

Actually we were under attack from a greater kind at approximately 2:30 am. None of use can quite remember what happened or why, but somehow an X boyfriend and an X boss (who apparently has a crush on me) kept drunk dialing me to ask if I wanted to hang out, and at some point got upset because Rick answered my phone and may have called them faggots? I don't even know why, but the point is that they became incensed and came over here to kill him dead.

Well it's never a good idea to have your guest killed the first time they visit your home. It's just not. We holed up in the hurricane shelter living room, and tried to ignore the pounding on the door, doorbells ringing, repeated phone calls and text messages and then the last STRAW. They went around back, (these are 35'ish men one of whom is married) and began to throw gravel at my patio door. OK, Doozie had enough, she went in her room, retrieved her shovel, which much to her chagrin still had dried blood on it from the last "incident", wiped if off and marched outside. Shovel in one hand, cell phone in the other.

There proceeded to be a bit of a skirmish where-in some yelling occurred. I was so close to the main problem person that I could smell his hot smarmy breath in my face. But I had no fear. The Doozie has no fear. Especially after a 6 pack of kokanee Gold. Well, they told me they didn't want me to ever talk to them again because I would not turn over my "guest" for them to beat the piss out of and leave for dead. It was a little intense for a few moments, but I think my comment that "I was going to straight up murder their asses right there in front of God and everyone" kind of put them off a little. Then I asked them politely to exit the premises so that I would not have to secure them a nights stay at our local clink. The X boyfriend threw a 20 dollar bill in my face. Don't EVEN ask why I had that coming, but I went inside after that.

At least I think I did? I checked the shovel for blood the following morning, but none was present, thankfully I had remembered to wipe off the shovel so I could tell if it was used for nefarious deeds. I've not heard from my awesome "friends" other than a few text messages that can't be repeated on this page. It wouldn't be prudent, but suffice it to say that all because I had a guest, and he called them a name, I deserve to die a horrific death and or face not having them ever talk to me again. I pick death.

I have a habit of mixing myself up with the most wonderful of people right? The funniest part was the very last text message, my X boss asked me if I wanted to paint for him this week, and if I didn't answer, he would get "one of the other girls". There are no other "girls".

I am going to decline that offer, based on the fact that he is a complete and total buffoon whose mom was unfortunate enough to have given birth to and who now walks this earth terrorizing people and rummaging through women's underwear drawers.

Ok, I made that last part up.

In other news, Walter is addicted to Baskin Robbins Cotton Candy ice cream. I've been getting it for him a quart at a time. I really wish the girl that helps me would stop being there EVERY DAY because she is most likely thinking I'm a huge hog. I finally took Walt in there with me and pointed the finger of blame so they wouldn't think it was my addiction. I'm like that I point the finger of blame anytime I can, lucky for me the finger of blame has not been lopped off by a disgruntled person.

Everyone has a right to eat cotton candy ice cream which creates green poop!

Speaking of poop, hey....I didn't have any corn today!!! Where did THAT come from?


Please remember us in your prayers, we are going in next week for a surgical procedure. The courts have ordered that our sense of humor be removed because it irritates the Farsher.